Sunday. It’s the last Sunday the boys and I will spend with Husband until the end of summer. We’re all still connected and relaxed from an amazing time away in Cabo at a house called Grey Cape – worth the mention – but waking up this morning brought so many conflicting emotions. During the week I am sure that I’ve made the right decision to go back to London. Husband is working flat out and If we didn’t go, we would lose our opportunity to not just be there, but live there, live our English lives. The boys need the continuity to solidify their friendships, their Englishness and their accents! I need to put energy into the people I love there and my home as it’s part of who I am and defines me. But come the weekend, when Husband is around and we wake quietly together, without the rush and hustle and bustle, I long to stay in his arms and feel the love.
It could have been a family relocation to Vancouver for the whole summer, I suppose, but to be honest, I never even considered it until now which is a bit late. I fiercely protect our time in London happily assuming that when we all get there we will feel that familiar ease and joy of being back. I don’t plan anything for the boys and figure we will jump back in with long summer days and a lot of football. I’ve always been on the same page as my boys, able to hang at our house and let each day unfold as it should. Any mother will know that when you are in sync with your children and have one family rhythm, it’s bliss. Times that are organic and evolving as they get older and wiser, and times I cherish knowing that our circle will only look like this for so long.
It’s the hours during the weekend days that Husband misses us the most and gets out of sorts, and for me, it’s the evenings. Every night in fact. I put the kids to bed and collapse into the sofa wanting him to be with me, wanting the company and the care. I even miss the dining which makes me laugh because I curse the need to cook a full dinner every night and without him I eat kid’s leftovers and cold pasta. I feel like I’m on borrowed time today, Sunday, knowing that it’s all about to change. He’s going to be away all of the Fall and most of the Winter. He promises me breaks along the way so we both don’t get too out of touch, too lonely; so the boys don’t miss him till it hurts. What a balancing act it is going to be to give everyone everything they need.
I prepare my mindset the same way I do when I fly internationally with the boys on my own; I say a prayer that gives me focus, take really long breaths and fill my heart with love knowing that I can only do my best and the rest is the rest. But the pit in my stomach is growing as today my heart begins to race. There’s only one remedy for that…time to jump in the pool!