Echoes

The echoes in my house resonate with me. Even the robins’ songs outside the glass doors find their way inside and bounce around a bit. It’s nearly empty, but for a few tables and chairs. And Brian of course, our plant, that will most certainly die if he’s moved one more time. It’s an empty vessel awaiting the energy of another carrier.

I have been through a week of owning my emotions, and letting them go. It’s been difficult to express why I’ve had as hard of a time as I have had with storing all of our things in this house. Living these two lives to the fullest has always been my greatest desire; the way I choose to create. Having the boys feel as much a part of this country as the US took passion and then a lot of energy on my part once we moved back.

We still don’t plan beyond a year, which is why it remains only for the next year. And what I’ve really come to realize is that life is full and crazy for most of the people I know. Their kids, their work, their travels. And so my trip back here wasn’t marked by anything other than mid flow, mid thought, mid sentence connections. No welcome home or bon voyage. Just dinner at 8 and meet you down the lane for a walk. It’s perfect because it feels so authentic.

The disconnect from the house is one thing but there is no disconnect from the people who make up the fabric of my life; our lives, here. That is what I learn with each visit, in both places. It may take a few days to find my feet, but I always do. It’s like a small shift takes place inside of me and I pay attention to the subtle but different nuances of my self. These two lives allows me to push my own boundaries and check in with myself to see what it is I really see. Like wearing different clothes, or shoes, and how that makes you feel a different side of yourself. London and LA wrap themselves around me in unique ways and my perspective shifts and grows.

I am back now in LA and wake up each morning to emails from my tenant as she sorts out the needs of my house. I am trying to keep the barrier up and not allow myself to picture her things there. She is lovely, thank God, and hopefully her energy will add and not take away. I am so insane with the boys’ schools that my anxiety has gone about London which is a good thing. This summer will be super strange for all of us and it will be interesting to see how we all feel living in friend’s homes. Will not having our house pull on our heart strings, or will we be able to re-tune?

I vote for singing.